I Used To

Celebrations of food haunt me,
as I want
nothing more
than to enjoy more than I used to
and run away at the same time
even more
than I want to celebrate as I used to. 

Even the rain now frightens me,
worrying me that this will be the time
I’ll slip away
and forget that things can get better.

I want
nothing more
than to fix myself,
but I don’t know how.

I cannot envision a world in which I trust
enough
to live the way I used to.