He is my brother, we were supposed to always have each other to lean on when we were lonely, sad, happy, for anything. But he is not here. He is watching over me and my family, something I never wanted. I have learned to understand those that suffer from depression, I will never understand how someone can get so low on themselves, simply because I have never experienced it within myself. But watching my brother’s life, and replaying it over and over I see everything so clear. He suffered his whole life, with who he was, who he wanted to be, and who he thought everyone thought he was. Life didn't deal him a very good hand.
It has been 5 years now, and it is still something that makes me so sad to think about. I miss him every day. I wish that there was a different way. But the other part of me knows that he is no longer suffering within himself. People say suicide is a selfish act, but when you are so alone in your self, consumed by the evil depression and hurting so much, there is no helping that. My brother tried to get help before he died, and the mental hospital turned him down and said he didn't qualify for the help he was begging for. They said he wasn't depressed enough. Well how depressed do you need to be??
Since I lost my brother I tried to figure out a way to educate myself with this, as well as help others. I came across a site called the AFSP (America Foundation for Suicide Prevention). Each year they arrange a place and time where thousands of people get together and they walk 20 miles through the night to bring the subject of depression and awareness from the dark to the light. Last year I participated along with my sister and my mom in San Francisco. We walked 20 miles through the hills, and the sand but we did it for our brother and son. He was not able to walk so we walked for him. This year I am walking again this time in New York City. We started at dusk on June 9th. It will be an experience since I have never been to New York, and this year my husband will be by my side.
During our journey we are asked to raise $1000. It has been a struggle, but I am not giving up. If anyone reading this wants to help out, please feel free to contact me and I can give you the web site information. All donations are tax deductible, and every dollar helps.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Young Man
By: Kara Matuzak (View Profile)
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As I was reading your story, I felt as though It was my sisters story, of her son. He would scream for hours, the older he got the more trouble he would get in, He would hurt himself and call the police to blame it on his mother. That was his way of controlling her. She was a wonderful mother until she got very ill at age 26 with bipolar. he blamed her for that. she was hospitalized for a while and she was so medicated that she was unable to function for a year or more, he lived with his father. After she got better she went on to be a nurse, She wanted to prove to the world that she is OK. I think she felt responsible for his behavior, and tried to get his love back. he was jailed after a car accident, that killed someone. now he has been in and out of the jail system and he is showing sign of bipolar at age 27. he refused to go to his probation hearing this time. he is tired of living now, he is never going to be happy here on earth, He wants to go to Heaven. I believe he will
Your story is so touching, full of so much real emotion. I can tell you are a very strong person by the tone of your story. I am glad you will walk again this year in NYC. The most healthy way to deal with grief is to contribute positively. Thank you for being an inspiration to us all.
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