When I first started having “episodes” as I call them, I would get so angry that I would throw things and yell and scream at whoever happened to be in my presence. I would get so angry and not realize that I was not only hurting myself, but others around me. I had an okay childhood and I was never close to my mother. I have a younger sister with whom I don’t have a relationship with at all. I have always had temper problems and had no support or help from my family.
Whenever I experienced an emotional meltdown, my mother would simply say to me, “Cheryl, grow up and stop being dramatic.” Some help she was to me. I always kept my feelings to myself and never seeked help until I was in my middle thirties. I am now approaching forty and have finally been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I have my good days when I have lots of energy and then there are my bad days when I have not one ounce of energy and I have trouble performing everyday tasks, such as laundry or doing the dishes. I want to hide under the covers and hide from the world. I now have the support of my wonderful fiancé and my future sister-in law and mother in-law. If it were not for my family, I would most likely be a permanent guest at the local hospital.
I am learning how to deal with my disorder everyday and I have episodes where I cry and holler and it usually lasts anywhere from a few minutes to an hour of carrying on. Then I regroup and I am okay until the next day. I never know when an episode is approaching or how long it will last. Bi-polar is manageable with the right meds and the love and support of family. It took a long time for me to seek help and convince myself that I was not completely crazy. I try and keep my mind busy most days and do a lot of venting to my family, as well as having a good cry every now and then. I am glad that I know what is wrong with me and perhaps I have had bi-polar for years and never knew it, I was just convinced that I was nuts. I was wrong. I just needed to see my doctor and explain my symptoms. I write for therapy and it has helped me to stay focused and to “vent.” To be continued …
