My fiancé and I have a great relationship most of the time. As our wedding approaches, we are arguing a lot more. I know some of this is pre-wedding jitters, so I am trying to stand in his shoes and see things from his perspective. Sometimes this works and other times I feel like “hey, what about me?” I don’t want to set a pattern of giving in and always being the one to bridge the gap. I know some of my married friends work over time to forge a connection to their spouse, and it makes me shudder. Any advice on communicating without giving in?
It’s not always 50/50
You can always find an excuse for contention in a relationship. There are always pre-this or post-that jitters; pre-engagement, post-wedding, pre-baby, post-baby, pre-house purchase, pre-job search, and the list goes on. The key is to remember that a relationship is not a 50/50 prospect. Sometimes it’s 80/20 and you have to be the brave soul to take the two of you through the storm. There will be times when it’s 20/80 and your partner will be the one to cut you some slack. This can only work if the two of you understand the rhythm of your relationship, so one person doesn’t constantly feel like the one giving in. And giving in is OK as long as you know that point at which your dignity is not up for negotiation or compromise. In marriage, someone is ALWAYS giving in…but it can’t ALWAYS be the same person.
M. Benhbin; Summit, New Jersey
A Bridezilla Moment?
Weddings are very stressful and it’s easy to lose perspective when you’re in the middle of it all. While your fiancé sounds inflexible, it might be worth checking to make sure you’re not having a bridezilla moment yourself. Perhaps air your grievances to a few people you trust to be honest with you. If they think you’re being reasonable, then tell your fiancé that you feel he’s not being considerate. Remind him that great love is made, not found, and that all relationships require change and flexibility. It’s better to state what you want from marriage up front, though that means taking the risk that he might not want the same thing.
