D. Jackson; London
Expert View
Standing in another’s shoes without deserting yourself is not giving in. It happens to be a highly prized ability known as empathy.
In his book, Social Intelligence, best-selling author, Daniel Goleman, uses the latest findings from neuroscience to help decode what transpires in the space between you and me. From the clerk at the deli, to your most intimate relationship, for better or for worse, we are constantly impacting and influencing one another in subtle and obvious ways. Goleman reports that our brains are wired for empathy and positive connection, due in part to the presence of mirror neurons. These neurons are responsible for mood contagion, or how feelings spread from one to another. Where we reside on the empathy spectrum greatly impacts how our everyday interactions pan out.
Empathy is a cornerstone of social intelligence. Its presence or absence plays a crucial role in how feelings are interpreted, understood, and acted upon. Goleman defines empathy as “knowing another person’s feelings; feeling what that person feels; and responding compassionately to another’s distress.” Fortunately for you, research shows that people who have empathic accuracy, or people who are able to stand in another’s shoes, have higher levels of satisfaction in marriage and have marriages that are more likely to last.
When your approach “works,” I suspect some degree of empathic connection is present, regardless of the conflict at hand. This allows for both you and your partner to feel valued and respected. Often times when we are embroiled in a heated discussion, we forget that it is not our job to make the other person see things our way. In fact, it’s perfectly fine if they don’t.
Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, Dr. John Gottman, has spent years studying couples. He reports that 69 percent of all conflict is not resolved even in the happiest of marriages. We can assume that these happily conflicted folks are not spending a lot of time wondering “hey what about me?”. So what sustains them?
