Current wisdom from Gottman’s marital lab, which feels a lot like common sense, is that happy couples fight and have conflict, too. Yet happier couples have a foundation of friendship and support that carries them through. Part of this foundation is the ability stand up for oneself, without devaluing another. This helps to create a win-win scenario for all concerned. Since you and your fiancé have a great relationship most of the time, it sounds like you already have a port in the inevitable storm.
Being clear about what you want can also help to anchor you in effective and constructive communication. People who co-create successful relationships stand their ground, know what they want, and how to communicate it. Most of us would not go into a meeting for work, a pitch for new business, or sign a contract without having some idea of what we want and some sense of how we might obtain it. Just like Bill Clinton’s main message to himself during his first presidential bid— “it’s the economy, stupid,”—you too can keep it simple. Just replace “economy” with “intention,” (you can change “stupid,” too if you’re not in a light-hearted mood), and you get the picture. A clear intention will help you keep your focus in communicating and negotiating for what you want in your relationship.
Fortunately, resources are readily available to help you and your fiancé nurture these relationship building skills. Marriage education courses are practical workshops that teach couples how to get along. These programs attract couples who want to improve the quality of their relationships, no matter the length of time they’ve been together. One highly respected nationwide marriage education program is the Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills, or PAIRS. You can also try Smartmarriages, a clearinghouse of marriage education programs founded by former marriage and family therapist, Diane Sollee.
March Question:
I have been friends with Suzy for nearly twenty five years. She moved to my town at the age of seven and we immediately hit it off and became inseparable for the next ten years. We were each others’ “exclusive” best friend. And despite our family backgrounds being rather different, it never (at the time) seemed to get in the way of our friendship.
