I fully sympathize with your situation, as I too have an Asian mother-in-law. The situation you describe is only too familiar to me. I do believe that you should permit your mother-in-law to stay with you again if only for the simple reason that banning her from your home is not going to change her behavior. Since you want your son to have a relationship with her and she is your husband’s mother, a new solution must be found.
In my case, this began with an understanding that a lot of what drives my mother-in-law’s behavior has to do with her culture and expectations. In her country, mothers are revered and rarely challenged. I have worked with this as respectfully as I can and also let her know that for Westerners, this is not necessarily the approach.
Stand your ground, but work on reaching a compromise situation since like it or not, she is a part of your family now.
V. Khan. (London, England)
Expert Opinion
Your mother-in-law is such a caricature of desperation that there’s something almost sitcom-like about your tale of woe. That said, her lack of boundaries and blatant disregard for your feelings surely secure her place in the Worst Mother-in-Laws of All Time Hall of Fame, where competition is known to be quite stiff. Yet, for all of her diva-like behavior, there is a lightness in how you relate to both her and your problems with her. Whatever anger and pain she may have caused you, you are quick to note that cultural differences, age, and fragility all play a role here. More importantly, while she may have almost choked your baby and climbed into the marital bed in your absence, you have not allowed her antics to threaten your marriage. In looking for the silver lining here, I am happy to emphasize this one.
This silver lining is not to be taken lightly. Most couple’s therapists dread in-law problems, knowing the power they have to polarize a marriage. In my private practice, I have worked with many happy enough couples whose issues become magnified when in-laws are visiting. When the child/spouse in the marriage feels as if they are being asked to take sides, the old adage, “blood is thicker than water,” can kick in leaving spouses feeling both divided and sad. Troublesome in-laws seem to understand this on a gut level and are thus able to stir the pot.
