One client with an intrusive mother-in-law told me that she didn’t realize that when she married her husband, she was marrying his mother too. For a funny and poignant stories about in-laws, Ilena Silverman’s anthology I Married my Mother-in-Law: And Other Tales of In-Laws We Can’t Live With—and Can’t Live Without is a must read. While it seems you could happily live without your mother-in-law’s visits, I think you are best served in exploring your problem from the stance of how you can best manage her visits.
Your husband made a valiant attempt to do this when he presented his mother with a list of guest rules at her last visit. Since his mother does not think of herself as a guest in your home, perhaps she thought these “rules” were for someone else. On the plus side, your husband’s willingness to talk with his mother should be recognized.
Also, that you and he are able to discuss the situation and come up with a game plan is commendable. You remain a couple, working together, with common goals … and all in the face of his mother! There should be a medal awarded for this kind of emotional intelligence in couples. Your husband’s proactive stance also differentiates him from his passive father, yet another sign that he is a mature man with a healthy sense of separation from his parents. This is even more remarkable given that he was raised by a woman who jumps into your bed when she gets “lonely,” and you are out of town.
Also working in your favor is your sister-in-law’s closed-door policy.
When you sit down to talk with your mother-in-law openly about what is needed for a successful visit, knowing about your sister-in-law’s decision can lend a kind of quiet support to you. You know that others have found her so difficult, they’ve opted out of dealing with her all together. This rejection may be making her even more nutty in your home, but it helps you to remember that whatever her actions, they have little to do with you.
