The ability to not take behavior personally is invaluable in resolving disputes. In their landmark book on conflict resolution, Getting to Yes, authors Roger Fisher and William Ury, define this as “being hard on the problem, not on the people.” This of course means that personal attacks are not constructive when attempting to resolve conflict. It is not useful for either you or your husband to sit around diagnosing your mother-in-law. At the end of the day, she is still his mother, however accurate a diagnostician you may be. While it might let off steam in the moment, it doesn’t get you any closer to yes.
In order to approach yes, you must support the solution. By envisioning what a good visit from your mother-in-law might look and feel like, you are well on your way. You and your husband can do this together before you talk with her. In a perfect world, how would her visits go? Would she offer to baby-sit (choking hazards aside) or cook a meal? Does she enjoy your son? Does she have a good sense of humor? Is she a good conversationalist? Is she well read or knowledgeable about anything in particular? Do your friends like her? Does she plan to leave your husband large sums of money?
Think of what is potentially a positive and write it down. This gets you away from just seeing her flaws and actually thinking of ways she could be an asset in your lives. Next, write down what needs to change during her stay. This could include allowing the baby to come to her, but not grabbing him, offering foods from an approved list and sleeping in the guest room.
When you see her next, begin with something positive and welcoming, even if it is to thank her for making such a long journey to visit you.
In doing this, you find whatever mutual ground you may have, and begin building your relationship from there. The following three steps that comprise assertive communication, taken from The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook by Martha Davis et.al., are easy to use and effective. First, begin with the end in mind. Have a clear understanding of your desired outcome, and make your requests specific, behavioral, and phrased in the affirmative. Second, include the statements “I feel” to express your feelings in a nonjudgmental way and use “I think” to express your observations in a concrete way.
