My inner child was screaming from day one, and I couldn’t find any activity or fulfillment to make it stop. This, of course, led to all kinds of illicit means of trying to hide the pain, since I couldn’t heal it. I started smoking cigarettes at fifteen, both my parents smoked, and it did seem to quiet the savage beast within. I was infatuated with a boy from the other side of town, starting at twelve. I tried to find that love and security through him, but that was too much of a burden for a teenager to take on. He had his own life, as well. And it wasn’t dependent on me! So now, I was searching for that cure all from both sources, and neither was giving it, except on occasion. And those occasions are what kept me going back for more. A rollercoaster at best, a disaster at worst. My mom’s affection definitely helped keep me sane and grounded to some degree. But she was forthright in her love, and I didn’t have to struggle with her to get “my dose.” My relationship with my boyfriend grew more intense from seventeen until nineteen. We were now free to drive down the shore or go to parties, or just go for a nice ride. Except on the days he didn’t show. Then, both my inner and outer child were screaming for attention.
I learned what depression felt like. I learned what disappointment felt like, and how your soul can actually ache. On the other hand, I learned what it was like to look up to a father, and love his strength and his sense of decency, and his regimented life as a leftover from his days as a marine. And I learned how to love my boyfriend unconditionally, and feel safe with his arms around me. I learned how to communicate with another person outside my household. That communication started breaking down at nineteen, and through a stupid ultimatum, I lost him for twenty three years. I thought it wise at the time to tell him if he didn’t come to see me one night, he could keep going. Big turning point in both our lives. He kept going. At twenty three, I heard he had a son with another girl I did not like. I knew her slightly from school. I suspected the pregnancy was no accident. Despair. Period. What more can describe the ultimate pain of losing a loved one?
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