Manic Depression Isn’t Crying at a Sad Movie

When taking a ride to get milk seems insurmountable to you, that’s depression. When sleeping more than your body could possibly need, that’s depression. When you are flippant to those you care about, but you don’t care! That’s depression. When you lie in bed, sound machine and all, and you see the clock says 3:35, that’s depression. When you wake up, and you see the clock says 3:35, only now it’s p.m., that’s depression. Going in to get milk with your pajamas on because it was just too hard to get dressed, that’s depression. When it is beautiful out, and everything is blooming, and the birds are chirping, and you’re sitting inside, writing about depression, that’s depression.

I don’t see how anyone who isn’t a sufferer of depression themselves, can relate to the feelings of a depressed person. Not someone who just lost their job, or a death in the family, or a relationship break up. That depression is different, although horrific at the time, it goes away. The depression I talk about is long lasting. It consumes your mind and holds your body hostage. It creates intestinal and stomach problems. It causes dehydration and malnutrition. After a period of time, one resorts to their bed, and seldom leaves. A boat ride down at the lake sounds beautiful, but the images in the mind are blocked by the lethargy that says, “just stay put.” Little gray spots in front of your eyes become the norm.

You lie in bed between wash cycles, listening for the machine to turn off so you can put the clothes in the dryer and go back to sleep, that’s depression. Being a no show for dinner because you would rather sleep, that’s depression. And then, realizing that your family has no idea what you are feeling, and probably just thinks you’re just lazy, the depression deepens. NYPD Blue runs repeats forever, but when you’ve seen them all 5 times, from your bed, that’s depression. How do you get out?

For me, I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I knew I could come out of this, I just had to put my heart into it. I wanted to be with my kids, my soulmate, the chipmunks outside my door. But how? My partner started buying me baby food and yogurt, and I was eating it, and keeping it down. I suffer from Depression AND Crohn’s!