Decisions Need to Be Carefully Thought Out

Decisions in life need to be taken very seriously. Too bad we don’t remember that when we are making some. I was in a very bad place when I decided to marry my husband. My mom had recently been diagnosed with cancer for the second time in 6 years. I was numb, knowing I was going to lose her. She was and is, in spirit, everything to me. We were very close, as was every single person she ever came in contact with. That’s just the way she was. Warm, caring, intelligent, interesting, sweet and affectionate. I was also still pining for the love of my life, my soul mate from twelve until nineteen. When we broke up, I stayed single for two years. I couldn’t deal with being with anyone else. Then, I went out with someone for five years, but it was just fluff, and something to do, unfortunately. Another poor decision. Then, I took a couple of years off to “get back” at the world. Definitely not a good decision.

I was nasty, I drank as much as I could, experimented with other drugs, and dreaded my very existence. I had no idea why I was taking up space on this Earth. My faith had diminished between my break up and my mom’s illness, and I was wavering. I had a job, my own apartment, where, of course, I was alone, and a few friends who enjoyed the same partying techniques I did. I was rolling down a hill, and had no idea how to climb back up. Nor did I have the desire to.

I had always wanted to marry my sweetheart and have a home and kids, but we were too immature at nineteen to even be able to have a steady relationship, nonetheless get married and have kids. We broke up over a “decision” of mine, to give him an ultimatum one night. He had been going out with his friends and brothers more and more, and the night he called to say he was going out with his brother, I told him if he didn’t come to see me, he could keep going. Bad “decision.” Downhill spiral from there on out. I was madly in love with this boy, some would say obsessed. Many did. But I knew how my soul was touched by the young boy I knew to be sweet and caring, funny and strong, passionate and handsome. He was who I wanted to be with every minute of the day, and forever. When that didn’t pan out, part of me honestly died.