I Wonder What Drives Me So

I wonder what drives me so to find avenues that help me work on myself. I want to focus on my character traits that need improving like patience, composure, and inner strength. I want to develop a more relaxing, peaceful lifestyle than the one I have lived all my life. I don’t like getting upset, feeling out of control, angry, dependent, at someone else’s mercy. I want to be calm and use my intellect to take care of all the bogeymen. The woman who stepped on my foot while cutting in front of me in line. The man who bumped into me with such force at the checkout that I dropped and broke a dozen eggs. The car that darted onto the highway, when they had the yield sign. The child that is giving me a hard time about taking out the garbage. The dog that is three houses away and won’t come when I call him.

I don’t want these incidents to curdle the blood running through my veins. I don’t want my hands to tremble and my mind to stumble. They have, in days gone by. How else would I know I wanted to change my behavior? I have read many self help books. They did help. I purged a lot of guilt and shame practicing what I read. I learned how to identify those feelings and emotions that were causing me harm. They were draining all of my positive energy and transforming it into negative thoughts and actions and reactions. This caused me to rise to anger quickly, take things the wrong way, and generally have a nasty attitude. I knew this was the norm for me, but until I started reading, I didn’t know how to change it.

Then, when I needed a break from self help, I went on to near death experience books and books on angels, and regained my faith. I had let it slip away over the angry and confused years. I was renewed, and it felt great. I was lighter, calmer, less antagonistic. I thought I was doing great. And, in some ways, I was, but I had an addictive behavior, and drinking and I never really got along. Blackouts were not a friend of mine, but I was doing the deed, and suffering the consequences. I went to a twelve step meeting, and went to one every night thereafter, for four and a half years.