Hey! Dreaming is Actually Fun!

I have been feeling a little low lately and even a little less positive about my future ... I know what I am supposed to be doing and that I am perfectly capable of doing it ... actually putting this all into action is where I am lacking. I have accomplished so much in this past year, but it all seems so miniscule compared to what is in front of me.

My dad used to always try to get us to set goals—small ones, medium ones, and life ones. I remember I used to think, “Oh, come on, dad!  This is ridiculous! Do I have to?” and then I would make outrageous goals—set myself up for failure just to prove a point and I can see where this must have bothered him. Not only did it bother him, but it also really bothered me inside. I believe I knew I was doing this and that it was dishonest and hurtful and yet I did it anyway.

I have been like this in a lot of ways my whole life. I would be constantly looking for fun and games and that is what I got. Or at least, what I thought I got. Along with this lack of responsibility goes the consequence of this behavior. Like when the warriors of yore would put a notch in their staffs to keep track of their kills, each time I did things that went against my moral beliefs or values, I was taking a notch out of my self esteem and allowing myself to justify it. It is a sick pattern. I can think of thousands of scenarios where I have gone against myself. I am fully aware of this. I know how to recognize it. What I need to learn is how to motivate myself to put my plans and my goals into action. It was a lot easier when I had to be held accountable by others in a position of authority because I didn’t want to “look” bad. I had a CPS case worker, a CPS appointed Mental Health therapist, a substance abuse counselor, a rehab counselor and my family all around me—keeping me on my toes. Now that I no longer have a CPS case and I have my four children with me and I have graduated from a one year 12-step recovery program, I am sitting here looking at all the things I have accomplished and learned about myself and now I am a little worried.

You see, in this past year I have been blessed with recovery and in recovery I was given the greatest gift of my life.