I spent most of my 20s depressed and miserable. My unhappiness arose from a combination of many factors: financial stress, fatigue from caring for three small children, loneliness, anger at my husband, boredom, and a lack of purpose. I was, in a word, lost. I remember turning 30, looking in the mirror, and hating who I had become. How had I turned into such a bitter, angry woman?
Now, looking back, I can see the gift in my depression. (It’s always easier to see the gift in hindsight; while you’re in the pit, it’s hard to embrace your pain.) At the time, if you would’ve offered me a way out of my depression, I would’ve jumped at the opportunity. Or would I? What if my healing entailed examining things about myself that I didn’t want to see? What if my healing meant taking total, 100% responsibility for my unhappiness?
I wasn’t willing to accept that responsibility, which is why I remained miserable. Instead, I bemoaned my depressed state and blamed my external circumstances: the weather, my biochemistry, my family, my parents, my husband, living in Montana, my weight, not having enough money, and being a stay at home mom. At the same time, I did a fantastic job of beating myself up at every opportunity, feeling guilty and ashamed for the pain I inflicted on myself and those around me.
My friend Barbara, a life coach, wisely pointed out that beating myself up was my defense mechanism; my way to keep from changing. As long as I berated myself, my self-flagellations served as penance to absolve my behavior.
I like to joke that I’m not willing to change until I’m thoroughly disgusted. I was thoroughly disgusted at 30, unwilling for the next decade to be like the last. Only then, when I was really, really miserable, and really, really disgusted, was I able to accept responsibility for my life and begin the process of creating my own happiness.
I’ve heard that when God speaks to us, he gently taps you on the shoulder. Then he taps you again. And again. Finally, after you’ve ignored the taps, he knocks you out with a two by four.
