What Lies Beneath: Divine Guidance

Dear Lisa,

I’ve been avoiding a friend’s phone calls because I feel like she’s very negative and self absorbed. We live in the same community. Our sons are friendly, go to the same school, and play sports together. I picked up the phone yesterday without checking my caller ID. Unfortunately, for me, it was this “friend.” She immediately started complaining about the boys’ sports coach. I’d heard all of this before, so I lost it and told her she should speak to him directly about her concerns.

I don’t want to be the recipient of all of her worries and negative energy. I believe she tries to work me up and I end up feeling just as angry, upset, or anxious as she does, while she seems to benefit from dumping everything on me. I don’t feel like I chose this friendship; rather, I feel as if she calls me incessantly and that I’m just a dumping ground for all of her woes. What should I do?—LL, Manhattan

Dear LL,

When I was in graduate school, my supervisor warned me about patients who lived only to dump their frustration, anger, and disappointment upon the therapist. My supervisor surmised that these “help-rejecting complainers,” would benefit more from talking to a tape recorder then a living, breathing therapist. At least, he would joke, the tape recorder could contain all the complaints, and still remain calm, focused, and able to do its job. Like the tape recorder client, your friend seems unaware of the effect she has on you.

We can’t help but have our moods and outlooks influenced by others. Our social interactions add up and impact our feelings about the day—good or bad, stressful or easy, rewarding or frustrating. Spending time with friends who uplift and inspire, listen and support, leaves us feeling vastly different from spending time with those who drain us.

Dr. Jan Yager, a sociologist who has studied friendship for more than two decades, is the author of When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You. Dr. Yager warns of six types of “toxic” friends, including the self-absorbed type whose idea of a conversation is a non-stop monologue about herself.