In the past, I have worked with people who after months or years of self-growth, revert to an old way of behaving. This might have been calling an old boyfriend/girlfriend who was not so nice, or even returning to a former pattern of eating, drinking or substance use that was self-destructive. Sometimes negative thinking, filled with distortion, would begin. The interesting part was that this “back tracking” often happened when the person was going through a period of change or personal expansion. Why then would they turn to something that would impede their progress?
Why? Because change, no matter how much we want it, invites both excitement and fear. The excitement is wonderful and exhilarating. The fear? Unexpected.
There is a vulnerability and level of anxiety that occurs with change. When we change, we step out of our comfort zone and stretch in ways we have longed for. You would think that achieving what we have dreamt about would cause happiness. Well, it does but it also shifts the emotional landscape of who we are. We feel the loss of our identity. This is sometimes when we want to turn to false yet familiar security blankets. Those old relationships and behaviors that defined who we were before change occurred. We “knew” ourselves with that person from our past or while doing that destructive behavior. Now, when we think of turning to those old ways it’s because we imagine a comfort in the familiar. It’s a false way to manage the anxiety of the new.
Next time you find yourself wanting to turn to an old destructive pattern of behavior, first take a few moments to connect to your body and mind.
Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. As you slowly breathe in and out, imagine yourself returning to the old ways of behaving. Notice how your body feels when you picture the person or activity from the past. Make a conscious effort to inhale deeply through your nose … expanding your chest, stomach and abdomen. Exhale slowly through your mouth. Do this three or four times. Let your breathing return to normal.
Then ask yourself these questions:
When you want to turn to the old ways …
- Does the fantasy of what it will be like, match the reality of what it will give you?
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