As far back as I can remember, I never really knew where I fit in. I was who everyone else expected me to be, whether it was my family, peers, co-workers, society, etc. My whole self-esteem was based on the acceptance of others and still is today. Being brought up in an addictive family with the constant fear of rejection and the inability to predict what’s going to happen next became engraved in me. No way in hell was I going to feel the way I did in my family with my peers. I was never over weight and I was going to make sure I would never become as such. At age twelve, a girlfriend and I decided that we were going to starve ourselves and lose ten pounds. It was just a quick fluke with my friend but it became more for me. I continued to starve myself and exercise excessively. The other girls were jealous, the cute boys wanted to go out with me, I felt in control of my life when everything else was so out of control, etc.
In time the word anorexia was brought to my attention but I wasn’t going to let anyone take away the only thing I thought I could control. So when forced to eat, I would purge and exercise more. I really thought I was fooling everyone, but the only person I’m fooling is myself. Later instead of feeling in control, I became hopelessly out of control and didn’t know how to stop. By age fifteen I was full blown bulimic and addicted to alcohol and drugs. When I couldn’t deal with one problem, I would run to the other to escape. Totally nuts and exhausting, but the FEAR (my biggest core issue), kept me on this roller coaster for years. I am currently in recovery from the drugs and alcohol, but I still struggle with period binging and purging. I will be forty in May. It has been a long rough road. One thing that keeps me going and feeling hopeful is seeing the progress that I have made. When I seek perfection I stumble real fast. Each time I relapse I learn something about myself and knock away another fear that I never knew I had. I am a slow learner and I can accept that. This is just a summary of my life. If there is anyone out there who feels that happiness comes from how others see you, I hope you can find the help you need now. From experience, happiness comes from within and the longer you wait the harder it is to find it through years of clutter!
