Healing

I am 34 years old and have an eight year old boy and a four year old girl. My concern for myself in regards to my children is being cold and rigid as my mother was. I am affectionate with my children but I do find myself becoming abrasive and controlling in some respects.

I was abused sexually, physically, and emotionally since I was four years old. My mother was the teenager who rebelled and got pregnant at fifteen, married an older man who was physically abusive and an alcoholic. He had no qualms about smacking her around and outright demanding control and acting whimsically about holding a job and so forth. She didn’t start drinking till she met Chet. He was the worst abuser of all four. Mom just couldn’t support three children all under four at eighteen without a high school diploma and so forth.

Chet gave her cars homes security but at a price. Severe physical beatings and he meanwhile had his fun with us and was very violent to my brother. Then another relationship and another man, just a different technique. 

I am ashamed to say this is the stage I learned to make sex my power and mischievous flirtations and thus the state stepped in and I never got in any trouble at school or with authority again. I started my college career alone and lonely and completely unprepared. The group home I lived the last seven years of my life, security, home, food, stability, reliability, love was no more. I was alone in a dormitory of people, strangers.

I completely lost reality within six months. My self mutilation had become more apparent and more vicious. My dissociations were becoming more rampant and more frequent in danger. My peers often had to bring me back to the dorm from fleeing some unknown perp to them but his hands all over me is all I’d see. I had to run, no sense of reality when I would dissociate. My first hospital admission saved my life thus my eight year career in and out of mental health institutions and so plenty of meds.

I met a lot of different kinds of people and some people were to be some of the truest friends. Even though there is no more contact they touched a part of me. I moved to Florida in ‘95 to settle some abandonment issues and so forth with my mother and I ended up meeting my ex-husband and never left. I never had another hospital admission until 2003. David and I were together for five years before we had our first child. I was on disability since 1994 and still had the insomnia and mutilation but didn’t stay on the meds. I’m sorry I’ve already said too much.