Well I’m not quite sure where or how to start to explain my story. All I really know, is that it won’t go away. I was born Oct.13, 1964 in Rogers, Arkansas. My mother turned 17 yrs old 3 days after I was delivered. My father was 19 yrs old. I have no memory of the two of them together, ever! (in fact I didn’t meet my real Dad till I was 12 yrs old.)
It’s so hard to pin down exactly when or how old I was when I learned of real fear and shame... A fear that pierces your very soul. A shame that you can never hide away deep enough so no one can see. Why can’t I let it go? I want to but it keeps pulling me back!! People keep telling me to forget it, it’s in the past! I wish it was as easy as that. But unfortunately, no matter what or, how hard I try, the nightmare comes back.
And when it does, I feel just like that scared little girl hiding away in a closet, a tree or a sticker bush hoping without hope they won’t hear her breathe or move. They would corner me like a trapped animal, they were about to devour!!! I had no where to go but inside my own mind... I would lay there as if I were asleep (for some reason it made it seem like it wasn’t me there, just my body.) After they were done, I would stay hidden, (even after they had found me again.) they would taunt me and tease me after they were done... They didn’t care if I cried! Their laughter still rings clear in my head.
Oh how I hated them. Why did this child have to cower under a bed for hours, with no one to come and save them? Why does it feel like I’m back there, craving the love and protection a child should have, telling the truth and getting knocked down by the adults who were suppose to love and protect you from the bad things?... Being convinced the truth you told was a lie, so they would pretend to love you... But what good is love without feeling safe? What is the definition of safe anyway? Is it really even possible!! Or is it another word that I will never understand the meaning of....
