Sexual Abuse and How it Caught Up With Me ... At Age Forty-One

Well, here it is 7 a.m. January 1, 2008. I’ve finally decided it’s time to “talk about” what happened ...

I’ll have to do this a little at a time. It’s hard enough thinking about this let alone typing it all out. However, something drastic has happened over the past few days in my life that make me HAVE to talk about this ... I’ll start from where I “remember” but certainly not where this “begin.” I will also try to keep this as one huge post. Hopefully I’m as strong as I “pretend” to be while getting all of this out ... in the end it will make sense why I’m doing this now ...

I’d remember sleeping in the comfort of my room. I had about three layers of clothing on and about as many blankets as a person could stand. All to go to bed. Sharing a bedroom with my three little brothers and little sister should be enough to keep me safe. But it wasn’t. I’d remember waking up and being told to “get up.” I’d have to follow him into the bathroom, or more like I was drug by my arm in there. I knew not to make a peep. If I woke anyone up I was told I was going to be in trouble. I’d close my eyes even though it was dark. The bedroom door to my mom’s bedroom was shut, as was the one I had just come from. Please God make this go away. Make my mom wake up. Please. No one ever woke up. I wanted to cry but I knew I couldn’t. Not without getting into trouble.

My pants were removed. He was on his knees. I was made to grab his hear and to “hold it tight and not make a sound.” I felt his mouth on parts of me I wish I didn’t have. I’d close my eyes as tight as I could. Please God make this go away. I’d pray my mom wouldn’t get up right then as I was told this would be my fault. My mom would disown me. My mom would not love me anymore. I kept every sound in my head. Praying if I closed my eyes tighter and tighter, it would go away.

It didn’t go away.

I was sent back to bed. That’s when the tears could flow. I just had to face away from my little sister who was sleeping right beside me. I couldn’t wake anyone.

Please God make it go away.