My Biggest Secret

It’s not that whenever I get vocal performance anxiety, I fantasize that I’m some big opera diva onstage at Carnegie Hall and suddenly I feel more relaxed (someday … I wish).

It’s not that I spike my weight-loss shakes with laxatives and liquor (only half a shot of Bailey’s, I swear).

It’s not that I love having sex with overweight men because it makes me feel more attractive (okay, I find them pretty cute as well).

 It’s that I was physically attacked—by my fiancée.

I can’t even remember exactly what started it. We are currently long-distance so we are always up late. I know we were up late, way past the pm hours. We love staying up late. There’s a certain tranquility that comes from darkness. Everything outside is silent, controlled. Whereas the outside world stands still, inside our bedroom there’ s a life of passion and vitality.

At least, that’s what we’d hoped for on this fine weekend night.

Our bodies were seamless from each other, our kisses raw and magnetic, but for some reason, the mechanics just weren’ t working. Frustrated, we turned on the television, we rearranged the furniture and put away laundry, we made petty small talk that turned into petty snippery that turned into heated jabs at one another’s most personal skills.

He said in frustration that it was me, that every other woman made him cum. In my mind, I was reeling at the possibility. Maybe this was true, but surely it wasn’t. I’m a Scorpio; we’re supposed to be masters of this area. I’ve never had any other complaints otherwise, and I’ve had enough sexual partners to make a fair assessment.

Then I recall that in his last relationship, his girlfriend had an unexpected abortion. Not only unexpected, but unwarranted by his standards. Could this past instance be a factor? What about all the pornography he watches and his membership with sexaholic anonymous … did all that smut turn my loved one from a ‘one-hit wonder’  to ‘marathon man’ ? (I realize these descriptions aren’t doing him any image favors, so let me up the ante.) He claims he is intimidated by me, the fact that he’s loved me from afar for seven years and only now he gets to hold every inch of me close to his body. I pray that this is the reason, though I pray more that I won’t have to deal with this anymore.

We thrust and parry some more until we’re lying on other sides of the bed.