Losing Myself

Who I am? Why do I feel so lost? Why do I depend on sleeping pills just let go of the pain long enough to sleep? Why do I throw up my food daily to loose weight? Why do I cut myself when I get depressed? Why is it that within the last two years my dislike in men has caused me to become interested in women and pursue it? These are questions I feel that will forever go unanswered. When I was five I remember my dad playing doctor with me. He would ask me where I hurt and no matter where I told him, he would say, “are you sure you do not hurt here” and touch me down there. He would also wrestle me and when he was on top of me, he would grind me. This went on for years.

In sixth grade I came home asking my dad was sex was. He told me to come in the bathroom and he would show me. He then proceeded to take his pants off and force me to play with him until he “finished.” He told me to never tell anyone, and I didn’t. Once I hit sixteen, my dad would take me to nudist resorts and get me to sing with him naked in front of many other naked people. I remember getting drunk often to deal with the humility. One day we stayed in a hotel room and he had been renting porn for us to watch. He told me that he liked women with shaved genitals because it reminded him of innocence. He told me to lay on the bed so that he could shave me. I would feel his fingers slide in and out of during this process. He attempted to put his mouth down there but I pulled away in complete horror. Thank God the torment stopped. I felt so ashamed that I let it happened so I overdosed on some pills and landed myself in the hospital.

At that point my mother was informed by my friends that my dad took me to the nudist resorts. She was upset and we she left him for one night. After that night she told me that I needed to go and apologize to my dad and sit on his lap and hug him. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do.