Losing Myself

I wanted counseling but my mom said “no.” Although the abuse stopped after that I still had an incident occur that same year with my best guy friend. He raped me on prom night. I finally just quit school and got my GED. Now I am struggling with my life. I put on a mask every day to hide who I am. My husband of five years has pushed me, bit me and hit me in my mouth. He tells me it’s my fault. He will let me do things but I end up paying for it in the long run. He is always asking me if I am taking my crazy medicine. To make matters worse, he tells my son that he has no common sense, just like his mother. He hurts my feelings all the time and makes me feel worthless. I feel like I will never get better. I cannot maintain a faithful relationship which causes me to feel like such a whore. Sex to me is just a handshake. How will I ever find myself and be happy?