“It sits.
Sweltering.
This terror, this insane asylum heart, this terrified sadness.
Sitting.
This soul weeping, a willow bent over a lake, breaking.
This panic stricken grief, hot and torn.
I hate being in this place.
Obsessing, a waste of time, but an odd relief.
I’m beating myself up, down, all around, barricading myself.
I’m following my parents fine example, How to Kill Your Own Heart.
Somehow it keeps me connected to them, when I judge myself, when I hurt myself, when I fuck myself.
That’s when I feel connection to mother, to father, those rathole phantoms.
It all must stop.
Stop.
Deep down inside,
The Girl Loves herself,
Knows and Keeps learning how to access that love.
She knows,
I know
I am
Loved, Loving, and Loveable.
Sweet relief.”
Make it a point to devote your life to JOY. We dare not devote ourselves to welcoming rivers of joy, (and many times without drugs inducing this pseudo joyous state.) We dare not choose joy. I wonder if we even know what the word JOY means. Joy is defined as :
a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
c. To take great pleasure; rejoice.
We are vessels, we can fill ourselves with the fresh waters of joy, or be apathetic and leave room for pain and suffering that will overstay it’s welcome if we let it.
What is the difference in Joy and happiness? We can feel joy and not be able to manifest it. We need to feel and manifest it in our daily lives. It is not reserved for some future event. What else do we have if not our days? This is our time. Now.
Joy is more than happiness. Joy exists on an astral plane above happiness. Joy is the ocean feeding the rivers. Joy is transcendent. Joy is not grandiose.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are in adequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous. Actually, who are you Not to be? You are a child of God.”—Marriane Williamson
I can hear the negative people now, discounting this because they have been brainwashed to believe it is egocentric to think this way.
When we feel trauma and sadness, we need to pay attention, get inside that pain and heal it as a path in our lives. Balance is the key.
“People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong … why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom.”
I have been afraid to stop focusing on my faults. I have been afraid to stop. If I stop, what if I let one thing go and I am suddenly swallowed up by my wickedness? Where does this come from? Abuse, religious brainwashing, perfectionism. It’s ok, we are not produce, taking a break, and focusing on our strengths will not lead to us rotting.
We can work on ourselves without focusing too much on how much fixing we need.
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