One of the hardest things for me to overcome was a drug addiction, but I am now struggling with a new addiction … realizing that my ex boyfriend is a disease also.
When I had met him I was already married, but I needed some type of “spice” in my life. Why I can not really explain. In the beginning he was something to consume my time, to fulfill something I was lacking in my life. It quickly progressed into a full fledge hidden “relationship.” I was drowning in lies and deception directed solely at my husband. Looking back now I feel that I was tricked into a relationship with him.
I would look into the man’s eyes that I was having an affair with and I would feel such a connection with him. He made me laugh, made me feel needed, wanted, that I was the most precious thing he has ever come into contact with. I was deceived! He reeled me in and trapped me. The relationship quickly started to spiral out of control. First starting with the unending questions, the criticizing, the lies that surfaced about his past. Within the first month after I had left my husband, he had already stomped my feet, bruising them. It hurt just to touch them and the swelling made it unbearable to wear shoes. In the same episode he choked me until I passed out. Cell phones were broken, clothes were damaged, eyes were bruised, I was punched repeatedly. I was conditioned by his actions, that a sudden movement by him when he was mad made me flinch and I would tense up my whole body. I was verbally abused. Statements such as, “Your body is a train wreck,” “You’re a slut, whore, a liar, and a cheater.” I would constantly have to endure him telling me he was going to go be with another girl. My heart didn’t break because of him, because I truly did care and love him, it just only turned black, black because it was poisoned.
I am finally out of the abusive relationship, but I feel so empty without him. What is wrong with me? I too have a sickness. A sickness that I don’t know how to fix. When my life has rotated around him for so long, I don’t know who else to turn to. Because of him all I have are broken relationships with my friends and family. I have taken on his lies, in the desperate attempt of not getting abused, but also sadly in the fear of losing him.
I only wish now that I could have the strength to forget about him. To know that he has only taught me my greatest life lesson. My compassion for him is without boundaries, but I can no longer help him anymore. He is my greatest downfall.
But I have survived his abuse and I will only be stronger because of him … The Lord works in mysterious ways …
