I was seven years old the first time I took a knife to my arm. It was in the early hours of the morning and my parents were in bed. I remember going downstairs, walking to the kitchen reaching for a steak knife in the cutlery drawer and taking it to my arm. I remember telling myself how I was deserving of pain. I remember feeling as if I had to punish myself because I wasn’t good enough. Looking back, I recognize that harming myself was a way of trying to gain control of the external chaos in my home and somehow quiet the repetitive voice inside my mind that was screaming to be heard. Silence breeds silence. In this case, it allowed me to live in shame of my self-injury and in the fear that those who may find out about it would fear me insane or dramatic.
With every addiction, it becomes increasingly more difficult to stop over time. Not unlike alcoholism, bulimia, anorexia and sex addiction, self mutilation is a life line that allows the survivor to gain a perceived sense of control over themselves. Though, over time, the need to act upon urges increases and what may have been a "once in a while" band-aid solution becomes a compulsion that cannot easily be stopped. The result from self-injury is not just psychological but physical, as it allows for a release of chemicals in the brain that change the way reality is perceived. It’s the reason why such things are so difficult to stop and why it is necessary to seek professional help in order to learn healthier, long term alternatives to self-mutilation. Alternatives that is encouraging and hopeful instead of self-deprecating and negative.
Knowing all that I do about the effects of trauma and of the various positive alternatives to self-harming, I am often asked how I can continue to harm myself while at the same time, advocate for survivors. “Walk the walk,” they say. Looking inward, I see that it is a need for perfection that allowed me to get this far in my self-harm and by speaking out I am choosing to reveal another secret about myself with others. By talking about my own experience, I am more able to accept myself and my pain for what it is and not something that it is not. In Alcoholics Anonymous there is a saying; “One day at a time.” To acknowledge that you are not alone and that you are only human—to be okay with making mistakes and allowing yourself to learn from them. In doing this, we are able to move forward and actually make some headway in our recovery. Ultimately, it is not how you see me that is important, but instead how I am now able to see myself.
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