When someone you care about is being abused, it can be a very confusing and difficult time. You may not know how to respond or how you can help. It can leave you feeling helpless and worried all the time about the safety of the person you love. But, actually, there are things you can do to help. The following are some things you can do to help a person who is being abused be safer.
Listen.
Let the person know that you care about them and are willing to listen without judging them or forcing your opinions on them. It can be very hard for someone who is not being abused to understand why someone doesn’t leave. The truth is that there are many valid reasons why abused women do not leave. They can include financial dependence, worries about breaking up the family, fear that an abuser will follow through on threats to harm or kill her or family members if she leaves, and love that she feels for him. While it may be hard to understand unless you are actually in the situation she is in, you cannot know what is best for her.
It is important to listen without making judgments or ultimatums that she leave when you think she should. She is the only one who can make that decision. Be willing to listen and not make negative comments about her spouse. When someone tells you abusive things her spouse has done, it is very tempting to make negative or condemning comments about them. This is the wrong thing to do because it may alienate her. She may feel she has to defend him or the relationship to you. She may feel she has to take his side. You should not make negative comments about her abusive spouse but do not condone his behavior either. Instead, listen and mirror what she says and validate her feelings. This will help her have a better awareness of the abuse. For instance, if she says “He was so mean to me last night. He called me stupid and slapped me when I tried to talk to him. I cried for hours and I was so scared about what he’d do next,” you would respond by saying “He was mean to you and called you stupid. You tried to talk to him and he slapped you. That must have really hurt your feelings and made you feel scared. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way and it wasn’t your fault.” Listen, mirror, and validate her feelings and let her know she didn’t deserve the abuse and it wasn’t her fault. Just simply doing those things for her can make her feel that someone cares and is listening to her.
