The Big Four-Oh: Hitting It, Handling It & Hormones

I wrote this several years ago for a good friend on her 40th birthday. Everyone laughed. I told them it was not a work of fiction.

So…you’ve turned 40. Congratulations. You are now at the age where medical experts recommend you have your first mammogram. Menopause looms on the horizon. Based on a combination of personal experience, observations of other people, and Depends commercials, I have written this guide to what’s ahead…and what’s gone forever.  

FACT: You will never again get carded at a bar. However, restaurants and quick-change lube joints will start to ask if you’d like the senior citizen discount. While cheap deals are one of the few perks of aging, you are still at least 15 years away from being able to take advantage of them. One day soon, some perky, 18-year old waitress will comment to your kids about how young their grandmother looks. YOUR mother will not be with you. Welcome to middle age: trapped somewhere between Happy Meals and Meals on Wheels.  

From this day forward your arms will not be long enough to read the TV guide. They stopped growing years ago. They may seem longer in relation to your upper body; this is because you are now shrinking. But not your skull. Your head only looks smaller because your ears are the only part of the human body that continues to grow throughout your entire life. And they will get huge! I believe the medical term for this is “Dumbo Syndrome.”  

The cheapest reading glasses are at Wal-Mart. Buy some. You have a choice between buying one pair and wearing them on a faux-pearl chain around your neck or buying several pairs and scattering them around in strategic locations. I personally prefer the multiple/scatter technique—it’s not quite as obvious to others that you are getting old, and makes it easier to find a pair when you need them.  

You may start to notice random facial hairs. These are usually quite long and dark. Often, large brown moles grow around these hairs just to make sure the whole world notices them. In men, this random hair growth can be prolific—usually in the ears and nostrils.