The Big Four-Oh: Hitting It, Handling It & Hormones

My personal theory on this phenomenon is that men do not actually “lose” their hair; rather, it is their hair that gets lost.

Being male hair, it refuses to stop and ask directions so it begins to grow downward into the head and then sprouts from any opening it can find. Bear in mind that this is just a theory—as of yet there is no scientific data to support it, unless you count the invention of the battery-operated nose hair clipper. Enough said.  

GOOD NEWS: Your face will finally stop breaking out. BAD NEWS: Zits will be replaced by age spots.   Gray hairs will start to appear. Everywhere. Yup. There, too.  

You will start to wonder how much a professional pedicure costs. Even if you could still bend over far enough to reach your toenails they will have gotten so thick, tough, and yellow that you need power tools to clip them. And at your age, power tools scare you. The closest thing to a power tool you want to be around is the “Clapper.”  

Start watching the 6:00pm news. You won’t be able to stay awake long enough to catch the 10:00 edition. This is because you are exhausted from waking up at least once a night to pee. Your sleep patterns will only get worse with the onset of menopause. You will wake more and more often. Every night. While this is annoying, keep in mind that it is also a survival tool. If you didn’t wake up periodically you would drown in the gallons of night sweats your whacked-out hormones are now producing.  

You may start to lose your sense of humor. For example, “Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” doesn’t strike you half as funny as it used to.  

You will get the first of many Special Introductory Offers in the mail from the AARP and Modern Maturity Magazine, along with advertisements for great deals on cemetery plots from places with names like Bargain Burials. Be leery of any offer containing both the words “eternal” and “rest” no matter how good of a deal it seems to be.