The Big Four-Oh: Hitting It, Handling It & Hormones

You will start to find bald men attractive. Luckily, it goes both ways and bald men also find “mature” women hot. This may be as a result of failing eyesight, Viagra, senility or any combination thereof. The reason(s) are not important. Just be grateful that you still got it, babe.  

At some point you will realize the discount-store reading glasses are no longer doing the trick. You need bifocals. Actually, you will probably already have them but they make you dizzy so you just don’t wear them. Because you can see just fine, thank you. That kid at Motor Vehicles that said you failed the vision test is an idiot—probably doesn’t know how to work the machine.  

Speaking of motor vehicles, you will one day realize that the speed limit on highways is about the same as your age. This is irrelevant because you haven’t driven anywhere near the speed limit in years. Not even in school zones. Fortunately, due to progressive hearing loss and diminishing peripheral vision you won’t notice all the horns honking or obscenities being screamed at you when other drivers finally get a chance to pass.  

Those young whippersnappers may call you a cranky old broad; on the bright side, you don’t care anymore. As a matter of fact, you could give a horse’s patootie what anyone thinks about anything! Besides, by tomorrow you will have forgotten all about it, along with people’s names, your own address and whether or not you put on clean underwear that morning.  

Eventually, physical limitations and senility will force you into retirement regardless of your financial situation. Hopefully, instead of a gold watch your employer will buy you a dehumidifier—it’ll come in handy when you move into the basement apartment your kids fixed up for you. You’ll finally have time to sit back, relax and catch up on all those back issues of AARP magazine that have been piling up.  

As soon as you find your glasses.