Understand that when god sent me my children, it was to save my life. Being a mother has been the most important piece of my existence. My oldest son is a wonderful person with truly beautiful qualities. My baby was another kind of gift. Zane was a most angelic spirit here on earth. The people he touched, his wisdom, and genuine love was beyond his years. I always believed he was an old soul. Zane and I had a very special relationship, he was my biggest fan, my best friend, and a gift to me. We still hung out, went shopping together, watched movies, and talked about everything! We had just taken a weekend trip, just the two of us for our birthdays, they were twenty days apart.
There are so many things I could write about but I would be writing for days and days. Mostly I just need to say how completely lost I am without my son. The loss of him has destroyed me. I have a fair understanding of spirituality and my son Zach, along with Zane’s friend Brooke to keep me going through the motions. I feel as if I am doing ok by them. It is inside that I am so empty. My passion for living has diminished and my desire to “live” life has disappeared. My baby lived every day like it was a holiday! Life was a celebration to him all of the time. Amazing, we called him the holiday kid from the time he was little. I so much wish I could live that same way to honor him, unfortunately I just can not seem to get passed the crushing pain. Everything I would celebrate is so painful because it reminds of one memory or another of him.
I returned to work on a part time basis in October of 2007 for two months and found I was not quite ready. My inside aches always to hold him, hear his voice, or smell his hair. Sounds weird I am sure but since he was tiny I would always hold him and smell his hair. Most of the time I wish my eyes would never open again, the other time I just feel numb.
