I Miss You Daddy ...

At the age of 15, these things never seem possible. You can read about them all you want, but it will never prepare you for the shock that you get the moment it happens. You can never imagine the pain that goes right through your heart when you hear those four hated words. “Your Daddy is gone.” It doesn’t seem fair. You always read about these things, but you never ever think that it’s going to happen to you. It never seems possible.

The day leading up to that one moment just made it all worse too. I had told my Mom the one thing that I have held in for 8 long years. That my Daddy had sexually abused me when I was 7. My Mom was in shock and she didn’t know what to do or say except hold me while I cried and cried. I loved my Daddy so much and I never wanted anything to happen to him. That day was also the day that I finally put together that my Daddy was also an alcoholic. All I ever new from him was when he was drunk. I guess he started drinking after him and my mom divorced when I was 4. That’s 11 long years that I never put it together. I remember always seeing empty alcohol bottles under his huge king sized bed. I remember confronting him once about it. He said he would stop for me. He said it was wrong and he wouldn’t ever do it again because he loves me. So I took that as an answer. I was about 9 at the time and didn’t know any better. I didn’t think that it would be a struggle, or that he would have to work for it. But my Mom didn’t know he was still drinking, and in hindsight, I’m sure I should have told her. It might have saved his life.

I would see him once every 2 weeks, on the weekends. As a growing teenager, I was busy with more of social things and sports, so I rarely had a chance to go down to his apartment in Oceanside. But when I did it was weird. At times he’d play me his favorite songs on his guitar, and I would sing along and we would have so much fun. We would eat ice cream and watch the Chargers in football season. But other times he would scare me. He would say things that didn’t make sense, and he couldn’t explain them.