I picture the crash scene, with blood all over the bodies of my father, mother, sister, brother and brother-in-law. Tears begin streaming down my cheeks and my shaking legs want to collapse. An elderly man beside me turns and reaches out his hand, offering a shiny white handkerchief.
"My family…wa…was…on that…plane," I stutter to him, accepting the handkerchief.
"So was my wife," he says. And together we stand there staring out into the tragic scene.
This is my ultimate nightmare – my greatest fear – that I’ll be left in this world alone.
I can't possibly think of anything worse. It's an imaginary scenario that has been replaying in my mind for eight years now and I can't seem to find the stop button. It plays then rewinds, plays then rewinds. It even manifests itself in my dreams. Needless to say, the September 11 attacks have not helped me dispel these nightmares.
Many people confess that their biggest fear is dying. Not me – I'm not scared to die because I know that I'll meet God, my Creator, in Heaven. As a Christian, I’m confident that death will be even more beautiful than this life on Earth. Over the years, I've come to the conclusion that I’d rather die than see my loved ones all pass away and leave me here to suffer on my own.
You must wonder: if she can deal with the inevitably of her own death, why is she so uncomfortable with the idea of others' deaths?
I think it has to do with grieving and coping. I’m not sure how I will manage everyday life without the ones I love most to support and fulfill me. Having had none of my close friends ever pass away, I feel as though I’ve never been taught to grieve. But can grieving really be taught?.
Some people claim that time is the best healer, but I’m beginning to think that faith might be the best healer. The people I’ve seen cope best with death are the ones that maintain a faith in being reunited with their loved ones in eternity. They’re not afraid to live here with a void because they consider the rest of life in this world the cocktail reception before eventually joining the dinner party in Heaven.
