Anyone who has read any of the articles I wrote here over the last few months can pretty much tell what my life has been like over the past few years. Just look at the titles and they tell you everything—loneliness, heartache, lack of self esteem and self worth, suicidal thoughts, a general feeling of going over the edge.
My conversations with God have been either arguing with him or thanking him. When little things go right, which don’t happen very often, I remember to thank God, when things go wrong as they most often do, I argue with God, I accuse him of not listening to me, of ignoring me. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have been down on my knees, crying, begging God for help. The pain I felt inside is indescribable, I never thought I could feel hurt so deep inside, I am sure everyone at some point in their life experiences that kind of hurt and pain. The kind of pain that makes you wonder what you’re really doing here, why is God insisting on keeping me alive, I was convinced that If I died that no one would care, no one would miss me. See in my mind that was the truth to me. I had no self worth. I felt I served no purpose.
After all the years of begging for help though, help came in the form of a friend I met on this site, someone I never met in person, and probably will never meet. We live in two different countries, but Denise, found in her heart to help me, by just listening and offering all the guidance that she could offer. She too had trouble in her life, but chose to help me. I now have a new best friend, I never had one of those before, I never knew what it was like to confess things to someone and not be judged for the things I think and the things I thought I did wrong, the thing I thought I was being punished for.
