My first vivid memory as a little girl, was me helping my (Step) Grandmother, in her garden. She had an old white shed, she used to pot in. I remember the blue sky and the green grass. Her grayish blue hair, her apron, and boots. I remember her boots. She was kneeling in her garden, when my Uncle came out and took me by the hand. We walked in the house through the back door, that led into the kitchen. I was led into a room, that entered from a door on the kitchen floor. It led into a basement, that had been converted into a bedroom. Nobody heard my screams, he covered my mouth and told me to never say anything. I believe I was three years old. This was the first memory, however, the hurt started long before I was born.
My father was an Army man. He met my mom while stationed in Colorado. She worked at a bar. She loved to watch him dance, only in her late teens, her eyes lit up every time he walked in. Of course, my father was slightly smitten, but only slightly. After a quick courtship, daddy was transferred back to California and discharged. Eight months later, mom showed up at the local bus stop with a very full belly. Winter of 1961, my brother was born. My mom was happy, my father, feeling trapped. The family told him, he had to do right by my mom. He did, to a point, but he was a ladies man and he had many oats to sow. My sister was born one year and ten days later. She was very small, could hold her in the palm of his hand. My father fell in love with his baby girl. He said he was happy, he really wanted to make a go of it. Three months later, his little girl died of SIDS. Dad was devastated. He couldn’t sleep, eat, or breathe. In his despair, he again needed to sow his oats. Imagine his surprise, when mommy told him, she was pregnant, again. I was born in the spring of ’63. A little girl, named after her Maternal Grandmother. My dad headed for the door and didn’t look back. He wasn’t going to be trapped anymore. He didn’t want another child, especially a little girl. My mother was trapped. She was unable to have the man of her dreams, her first love, the father of her children. She packed us up and we moved up north, to Grandma’s house.
