When I was a young child, I was molested. I don’t remember the details, I do remember the energy and the onset of the feeling of numbness. Of a deep sorrow, which I couldn’t speak of, or know the reason. I do remember that I didn’t speak of it based on threats to harm my mother. I was protecting even then. At four years old, I was so overwhelmed with the darkness that was trying to close in on me and burden me down—it was then that I found the light, hope, and a new life: the beginning of transformation.
Someone took me to a “tent” meeting. And it was there that I asked, begged, pleaded for Jesus to come into my heart, my life and save me from the numbness and the darkness that were trying to destroy me. And being born again, truly new, I began my journey of transformation. I began to attend an Episcopal church, which I joined and became a member. My great grandmother, Honey, took me faithfully to the church and encouraged me to sing in the choir. My experiences in life began to be full of joy and peace. While I was still sensitive to darkness and the patterns of pain—as I call them today. I thought and spoke with the Lord always. Asking questions and listening to the peaceful quietness.
God was not a name spoken or some far away entity to me. God was real, a life giver, and peace maker and a pain/fear transformer. He became the daddy I didn’t have. Yes, my Mom was a single mom, back in the day when it was a “sin.” She was a college student and involved with one of her professors (who denied being my dad). So when I gave my old, molested life to God and received His new life for me, He became my daddy, and Jesus my brother.
And I mean God as in a real father. He held me, and still does. He comforted me and loved me, accepting me and healing me from all my wounds. I began the journey as a child, and I continue as a child, even though I am a grandmother. My Abba, daddy God, made it possible for me to be all that I could and still can be. When I asked for, accepted, and received the Holy Spirit at twelve years old and took my first communion, I felt the presence of God in a new way. I looked out and saw trees and clouds and flowers and streams and all of nature differently. And I began to blossom and hope, and my heart began to desire.
What I desired most and wanted with all of my heart was a family: husband and children (preferably boys). A friend who would walk with me through life; a husband and sons whom I could care for and love—and God brought into my life a dynamic young man who was not intimated by my talents or gifts, as he had talents and gifts of his own, and my heart’s desires all became real, true. My husband and I have been best friends and married for forty-three years, and have three sons of whom I love and am friends with as well, and three grandchildren.
So, from the pit of failure—touched out of season (sexually), and burdened with carrying beyond what I was, from rejection and pain—all of this transformed into a true and whole balanced relationship with a man, based on a relationship with God. There was no dad, and still I was able to relate and be willing to learn and grow in relationship.
And the children, gifts from God, so precious and such a witness of the impossible being possible for God’s child. I never take my children or gifts for granted, nor my husband. I thank God for them always, and I do. To me, who came from the “disaster” of life, I am so very thankful for the delightfulness of God’s life in me and for me—I dance to His music of life! His music of Love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy, and thank God for being—a real, “true transformation” child of God, alive forevermore.
