Females are generally an intuitive, all-knowing species, which is why I’ve never been sympathetic to any woman who utters the phrase, “He’s a loser—I should have seen it coming.” Yes, she should have seen it from miles away, particularly if she rushed into a committed relationship without first traveling (preferably abroad) in his company.
As any globe-trotting singleton will attest, there are a host of red-flag warnings that should tip you off to what kind of boyfriend/husband/father your man du jour will turn out to be. You’ll want to pay particular attention to how he behaves when he thinks someone else is going to clean up after him. Sure, now you’re on vacation and the hotel housekeeping staff is picking up his wet towels. Three years from now, it could be you. Suffice it to say, it’s important to learn to recognize the distinguishing marks of the animal known as Nincompoopus Maximus. Consider this a traveler’s field guide.
Control Freak Karl You dream of sipping exotic cocktails on sandy, golden beaches. Meanwhile, he’s busy whipping up an itinerary, typed in nine-point font, which he will inevitably spring upon you when you least expect it (expect two copies, just in case you lose one). If we’re talking road trips, rest assured he’ll assume the role of “angry driving deejay,” forcing you to listen to Harry Chapin over and over again or, worse yet, sports radio. The clincher? When packing, he picks fights over the littlest things, i.e. folding versus rolling.
Frugal Frank This penny-pinching prince requests receipts everywhere you go so he can write you off as a business expense, and actually thinks you won’t notice. Distinguishing characteristics: Hoarding hotel towels, rolls of toilet paper, travel-sized soaps and shampoos, shower caps, towels, and small jams from the mini-fridge. Frugal Frank will inevitably gripe about your overzealous spending and eating habits, even though you subscribe to the “living it up when in a foreign country” school of thought. Never venture overseas with this species—especially when traveling in France, the chocolate mousse and couture capital of the world.
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