While waiting for my ride to the bus station, I boasted to Bart that I’d made it through the entire week bullet ant-bite free. He offered no congratulations but instead a few parting scary bug tales. Most sounded like Costa Rican urban myths, like the jungle urethra worm that “set up residence” in a local village man’s appendage while relieving himself too close to a tree. The unfortunate man’s penis swelled up so large, he had to cart his inflamed mass in a wheelbarrow into town to have it seen to. I was overcome with a feeling of whatever the opposite of penis envy is. Vagina gratefulness?
I was thankful Bart waited until my last day to launch into his litany of entomological horror stories. Yet to a large degree, the phobia had lessened. By now, I let the smaller spiders share my bathroom and even went so far as to name my bungalow’s geckos, which I viewed as guard lizards against more dangerous insects. I was, after all, a guest in their home. And they were probably thankful the five-foot-nine giant who kept the light on half the night was finally leaving them in peace.
Tips for those bugged by insects:
-Arm yourself well: OFF, Cutter, Jungle Juice, Benadryl, Sting Stick, cortisone, and the like.
-A mosquito hat (a goofy thing that fits over your head with netting that extends down the neck, tucking in the shirt collar) might allow for better breathing than covers pulled up over your head. I’ve also seen full-on suits made of mosquito netting-pants and jackets. Real phobics might opt for a beekeeper’s uniform.
-A long stick makes for a nice “spider web machete” in a pinch. Trekking poles work better and serve a dual purpose should you actually see a spider and need to “shish-ka-bob it”
-While you might not make yourself popular with the extreme “animal lover types,” a portable bug zapper might also come in handy to set up on your bungalow balcony. The zapping noises to an insect sound like a scud missile and might keep things a little quieter. At the very least, you’ll feel part of the reincarnation practice for curious bugs.
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