Jovovich Misses the Target

My daily ensembles are fierce a lá Christian Siriano of Project Runway, so people are usually quite shaken when they learn that my favorite place to shop is Target, or rather Targé (as us fashionistas call it). I was delighted to hear that model/actress/designer Milla Jovovich with her partner in design Carmen Hawk, was designing a Jovovich-Hawk collection for the masses at my darling store. As the “reigning queen of kick-butt” in Hollywood, I expected nothing less than “kick-butt” for Milla’s Target debut. But I’m not going to lie. There was no kicking butt involved—it sucked butt!

I expected dazzling colors, airy spring dresses, ruffly tops, and unique designs. I found dull colors, frumpy dresses, shapeless tops, and stale designs. I could not find one piece of clothing I wanted to try on (let alone spend $39.99 on). Instead of finding the ladies section bursting with Jovovich-Hawk designs, I found two picked through racks and one half-empty shelf sequestered in a corner. I remained optimistic as I rummaged through the racks. I saw basic black Capri-pants and some denimy-looking gauchos with a large bow on the crotch. Depression crept over me as I looked at piece after piece of black, off-white, and grey. A particularly horrendous piece was the “Square-Neck Dot Dress.”

Picture a black muumuu that hits your knees with some random ruffles and large white polka dots. Another dreadful piece was the crosshatch apron dress: Anne of Green Gables meets Pocahontas.

I think Milla picked cheap fabrics and attempted to transform then into trendy bo-ho looks, or as my fashion-designer friend, Anne said, “it looks like cheap fabrics mixed with flower power and stamped with a designer name.” We unanimously agreed it belonged in Kmart.

I drove home and popped open a bottle of Chardonnay to calm my nerves after the evening of trauma and disappointment. My hypothesis is that they were under extreme time pressure and never got a chance to do it right. I saw potential (adorable birdy-buttons on a blouse) but it just never got to that “designer” level. Anne said (and I quote), “Some pieces are almost cute but on a whole, I wanted to vomit.”