Jean-etic Counseling

Shopping for jeans is painful. There are so many brands, so many styles, so many different ways to end up on my arse in the dressing room while struggling to wrench off a pair that makes me look like a turnip. Unlike the joy I take in shopping for a dress or new shoes, shopping for jeans—like shopping for bathing suits—is a chore. I shop alone (in the dark preferably), sustaining myself with the delusion that today might be the day I find the Holy Grail––that perfect pair of jeans. I also rely on an unnatural supply of lubricant eye drops, Lionel Richie, lip-gloss, and protein bars.                                                     

Deluded but nourished, I cart at least fourteen pairs of wishful thinking into the dressing room, banish the dressing-room attendants, and commence my athletic jean courtship dance complete with deep knee bends, leg-loosening lunges, and tip-toe poses. I give every pair a good workout in front of the mirror, and then crawl out of the dressing room sweaty and dragging a pair of just ok jeans to add to my pile of just ok jeans at home.

Rather than fight the jean—and end up feeling as low as a pair of teenage jeans—I recently decided to get to know the jean. Here’s what I know: 

Know Your Flow-chart
In the same way that you should never shop for food when hungry, you should never shop for jeans when menstrual, pre-menstrual, or post-menstrual. Think minimum water-weight, maximum patience. That leaves you with a one-week window every month to make rational jean decisions.

Accept That You Are Not Miley Cyrus
Take your achey breaky heart out of the juniors department. The skinny neon pink low waist jeans made for fifteen-year-olds don’t look so hot on … well, anyone over fifteen.

Know the Difference Between Fitted and Too Tight
I was recently convinced to buy a pair of jeans that felt a little snug (okay I could barely button them) because the teenage store clerk said that jeans like always stretch a size. Well, a month later I have like dents on my hips and jeans that are not budging so they will have to join the other too-small jeans in my closet that are becoming vintage while they wait for me to lose that ten pounds that I will someday lose.

Tip: If your jeans are a little snug, try washing them, taking them out of the dryer when still wet and yucky hot, and sitting in them until dry––telling yourself you were caught in a tropical storm. The fibers are more willing to work with your shape while wet.

Don’t Be Wishy-Washy
Vintage washes are very popular right now but extreme fading or fraying of jeans can look tacky or dated on anyone who doesn’t communicate in acronymns. BFO—Blinding Flash of Obvious! Darker washes are typically more flattering and more versatile too.

Understand Stretch
I could write a book, or at least an ode to stretch; but what it basically comes down to is jeans come in all degrees of stretch but the stretch is only as good as the quality of denim it is stretching with. Cheap jeans stretch more, so you definitely want to size down. Good quality premium denim will hold its shape better so, sadly, you do indeed get what you pay for. If you want to have some stretch stats to toss at a sales assistant, know that 1 percent stretch combined with a good quality denim makes for a sexy snug jean that gives just enough to contour your body; two percent will still contour but it won’t feel quite as fitted; over two percent will be a very “comfortable” pair of jeans … and you already have enough of them.