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Once in a while, usually when I’m bored out of my mind, I become obsessed with my calluses. They become so thick and bothersome and such an enemy to my precious socks. So when they thicken, I pinch and pick at them by cutting them off with scissors. I get really into it, too—kinda how I felt about picking scabs as a kid. Doug freaks out when he sees me with scissors in hand picking away at my feet, so he was pleased to hear that I had bought some tools for removing calluses “safely.” I had never heard of callous removal tools, so I was happy to have them as well. The ones I got were two in a pack by Revlon and they looked like miniature cheese graters. I thought, finally, removing callouses will be a cinch! Well, so I thought.

Either the blade was dull or my calluses were simply too powerful to be reckoned with, but nothing happened. I applied pressure and ... nothing. Not a single cell was scraped off. It was as if my calluses were made of titanium. But I kept at it and after a few minutes, paper-thin slices fell on the bathroom tile. It worked even better when I pinched in certain areas for a better grip. It was working ... It took a while, but it was finally working. It was great because it was painless and safe!

Well, so I thought. I guess I dug a little deep beneath my large toe because I began to bleed a little—a mere pin drop. I smudged it off and the blood disappeared and didn’t resurface so I felt it was safe to leave it un-bandaged. I then eagerly switched to my other foot. After several minutes of doing this, I grew tired of my pedicure and abandoned plans of painting my toes. My inner tomboy just said, “Fuck this bullshit.” So I began to do other things.

When I returned to the bathroom twenty minutes later, guess what I found? There was blood smeared all over the floor and all over the most expensive move-in purchase of all, the Anthropologie bath mat! I looked at my left toe and found the culprit. That little gash I made while removing my stubborn toe callous was deeper than I thought. And to think, it didn’t even hurt, not even a little. Well, the bathroom cleaned up pretty well, and thank gawd, the blood on the bath mat washed off with soap and hot water. Phew! Well, no harm done overall. My bloody toe is recovering beneath a bandage and my feet feel soft and tingly all over.