6. We Go for Gold
Photo courtesy of TanningOnline.com
We are too busy perfecting ourselves and too worried about aging to actually tan naturally so of course we fake it. We know that a golden glow helps us pretend to be skinnier, healthier, and younger, so it is no surprise that tanning salons are popping up on every street corner and that sales of sunless tanners are through the roof. We can’t be seen to tan in a salon (‘cos then you’ll know it’s fake) and we can’t risk orange knees and hands from the creams, so we don’t. We tan at home under the twenty-four UVB lamps of our home tanning bed.
7. We Don’t Worry, About a Thing
Photo courtesy of Safetoxbeauty.com
Before high definition TV, we were carefree. We used to and laugh and squint, frown and fret with little a care for the barely noticeable lines appearing around our eyes and on our foreheads. Now that we—and you—can see everything up-close X6, we follow every stressful day at the office with a safetox session. This visor may bring to mind Scottie—“I cannae get rid of the wrinkles Cap’n, I jes cannae do it”—and rightly so, considering it uses Trekkie technology to electro-inhibit and relax the “bad” anterior facial muscles that cause wrinkles. Yes, every little thing gonna be alright.
8. We Don’t Heel
Photo courtesy of FootPetals.com
The Working Girl look (white sneakers with a suit) didn’t last long so we’re back to faking “these shoes are so comfortable, really!” And they are … once we jam them with enough gel cushions, heel pads, and moleskin patches to keep us upright.
While we can’t be seen in practical shoes or hobbling on cobbles in our impractical shoes, we can be seen “stable” in perfectly pointy—and stabworthy—overpriced shoes. To maintain the pointy façade on the street, we slip on a Smart Heel shoe protector (it’s like a coat of armor for stilettos) as soon as we slip out of sight.
Photo courtesy of healiohealth.com
Then we retreat to our bat caves, where we separate and stretch our squished toes into toe stretchers to strengthen toe muscles and relieve stress, bunions, and hammertoes.
It’s not easy to be this beautiful …
