The theme: Trendy or Gag Gift. Trendy could pose a problem. Gag gifts were easy. But this was a couples party, some of whom I didn’t know well—people that could be insulted by my crude humor. I mulled it over for a while, wanting to use the huge can of baked beans we’d bought for another party as a joke. I thought about putting the beans, a cast iron skillet, a tube of petroleum jelly and some whiskey in a box and calling it The Brokeback Mountain Gift Pack. But I wasn’t sure.
A friend called and said she was giving cute snowman candleholders. I told her what I’d read on santalady.com, that the perfect White Elephant gift is something lying around the house that you don’t want, usually a gag gift, not something desirable or necessary. Though I’m not sure cute snowman candleholders are either desirable or necessary. I suggested she wrap a bunch of almost empty booze bottles from her cupboard and label each with memory cards. This bourbon was from the UGA game where we met John and Sara and later conceived Baby Jimmy in the back seat of the Lumina. Enjoy!
She said she’d think about it.
Meanwhile, I still didn’t have my gift. I walked through warehouse stores, thrift shops, and antique marts. I thought about adult novelties and those great things you can only buy on TV. Maybe I’d duplicate last year, when I bought twenty lottery tickets, and slipped in a fake one guaranteed to win $20,000. I never heard how that panned out. Maybe the woman died of a heart attack and that’s why she didn’t come this year.
I wondered why I was wasting so much time on a gift I would never see again, and if I was smart wouldn’t even have to claim bringing. Whoever thought of this White Elephant thing anyway? If I lived in Thailand or Burma, I could see the whole elephant obsession, even India with their love for Ganesh, the elephant-headed deity. But this was America. More importantly this was the South, where folks revered Coca Cola, Nascar, football, and light beer, not elephants.
