Mentor or Tormentor?: Musings From the Corner Office

Mentor or tormentor? Is there really a difference?

Seriously, how did I miss the mentor memo? Not even a cc for me while everyone else was out there pairing up, mentor and mentee… 

It seems to be a recurring theme at every executive training session these days, and there are fewer and fewer independents I can do a collective eye roll with.

During one session at a recent retreat just for us lucky corporate co-eds, we were each given a blank sheet of paper and instructed to list the top five mentors in our lives, as well as five people who we mentor. Heads and pencils down, every other woman in the room was furiously scribbling names. I started to sweat. Five and five? I couldn’t even come up with one and one… Does treating my boss’ assistant to coffee qualify as mentoring? 

I happen to work with a woman who literally claims to have mentored about a third of the female execs at our company. In practically every conversation, inevitably someone will come up who she maintains she mentored, mentors, or will mentor. OK, so I made the last part up, but you get the picture. “Oh yes, I used to mentor Sarah” and “I’ve been mentoring Judy for years,” and “Doris recently asked me to be her mentor.” Seriously, it’s been on the tip of my tongue more than once to inform Little Miss Guidance Counselor that just speaking to someone doesn’t technically qualify as mentoring…

To be honest, I’ve always kind of thought of mentoring as a colossal time commitment for the whole, with negligible payoff for either half. I’m not sure if this makes me selfish, selfless, or just not self-aware. 

  On one hand, asking someone to be your mentor seems like kiss-up flattery and yet, on the other hand, it’s so presumptuous to expect another executive—theoretically someone with more responsibility, and, therefore, more demands than you—to take time to teach you tricks of the trade.

A piece I read in a current biz journal framed it as “relationship management,” which I kind of liked because it sounds less sleazy than networking—if only just a little—and not as needy as mentoring. According to this article, relationship management is all about forming productive connections that can carry you further than you can climb on your own. I decided to at least try to make an effort to look for someone who, maybe at some time, somewhere, somehow, could be a sort of career advisor to me.

At a recent going-away gathering for some top-level stiff, I started to put my plan into action when I noticed my aforementioned officemate buzzing around all the big-wigs, working the room like it was her job. As she built one “constructive connection” after another, trading cards with potential mentors and mentees, I officially retired and retreated to the corner alone with a stiff drink. 

However, I was soon joined by a snarky lawyer from corporate, a bitter senior bean counter, and some SVP’s drunk wife. As we proceeded to rag on everyone else at the party, critiquing clothing, spilling inappropriate innuendo, and repeating rumors, a light bulb suddenly went off in my head; I knew I’d found the kind of relationships I can manage.

Remember, if you don’t have anything nice to say, my door is always open…

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Bitchy Betsy is a vice president at a well-known Fortune 100 company. When pressed, she’ll admit she loves her job. However, that doesn’t keep her from mercilessly ridiculing corporate culture. Got something catty to add? Post your comments here.

Read other Bitchy Betsy columns:

Musings From the Corner Office: Giving at the Office

Musings From the Corner Office: Corporate Speak

Musings From the Corner Office: Memo to Men