Gimme a Break: Musings From the Corner Office

How many times have you thought to yourself: “Oh my, I’m so fried from staring at this screen, I think I’ll head down the hall to the break room to take a breather.”

Yeah, right… Don’t know about you, but the office break room is pretty much the last place I’d go to hang out for a little de-stress. On the contrary, just the smell of it—let alone the site of it—kind of makes my stomach start to churn.

Yes, I’ll admit to the occasional fly-by when the gossip is getting particularly good among the sassy young assistants. And it’s mildly funny to peek in and spy on the big bosses trying to figure out how to make a photocopy. But let’s be honest—the break room is probably the last place in the building most of us would ever go to “take five.” 

As a junior suit years ago, I used to be taken aback by the anonymous typed notes that would occasionally appear in our break room. “Your mother doesn’t work here—CLEAN YOUR OWN DISHES!” and “If you didn’t buy the milk, DON’T touch it!” Once, in the wee hours of a lonely all-nighter, I was on the verge of posting a rude reply, but then it hit me… this poison pen person was right!”

Let’s just start with the funky smell wafting from the fridge. At every stop along my career climb, the communal refrigerator has been a certifiable disaster area. No matter how sophisticated the company, the shelves are pretty much all stocked the same, with a carton of curdled cream in the back corner, 150 individually wrapped pats of butter on the door and a lonely, unclaimed Styrofoam container wasting away on the bottom rack week after week…

Then there is the microwave, and all the drama that entails. For starters, what exactly is that unidentifiable orange crust that clings to the inner walls of every office micro? And is it really so hard to pop a bag of popcorn without burning it? Finally, can we make it illegal for people to reheat fish during work hours—or ever for that matter? You want some seafood so bad, come and see me and I’ll give you money to buy a fresh order of tuna. Come on, don’t you have a sense of smell?!

Speaking of food, what is it about free food in the break room that transforms even the fussiest foodies into ravenous beasts?