June is the month of important transitions. One day, your neighbor’s adorable child is graduating from pre-kindergarten prep school. The next, your second cousin is marrying some guy she met on the Internet—although why have a “virtual” wedding when she can make everyone troop down to Florida for the real thing, complete with cash bar and her Chihuahua as ring bearer?
People always seem to retire in June. And is it just me, or has every baby shower in history taken place this month? The positive sign hasn’t even faded yet on the home pregnancy test, but so what? The weather’s just perfect for daiquiris and for showing off the hostess’s new in-ground pool!
June may be hardest of all on us cheapskates, since it’s when we have to make our own transition: we morph into Constant Guests, expected to produce the goods over and over again. Oh, don’t worry, I’m not about to start whining about having to buy boatloads of expensive presents. Not yet. Not before discussing the Heartfelt Speech.
As any Constant Guest know, it’s not enough merely to show up for these major June occasions. You also have to say something suitably profound to make the key players feel even more key—and worthy of those Waterford barbecue tongs they registered for.
I’ve got my speech down to a short, cheapskate-worthy science:
“All good things come to those who wait,” I faux-gush, raising my glass towards the honoree(s). “Especially if you’ve got a gift card.”
You think I’m kidding? Well, clearly you weren’t with me when I trooped into one of those hoity-toity “garden” stores recently. You know exactly the sort of place I’m talking about: “dirt” is a four-letter word there. They sell forty-two styles of lawn gargoyle, but not a single rake. The potting sheds all come with maid’s rooms.
I’d always considered its existence a slap in the face of Mother Earth—but then their new catalogue came out and I just had to have that absolutely darling copper plant stand!
Fortunately, I had a gift certificate.
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