Pragmatic Choices: Mothers of Invention

Still, there’s a constant comparison underlying their relationship—the belief that the other sister has made better choices. Though these women’s lives are hardly typical, they nonetheless view themselves and each other through the conventional dichotomy of working mother versus stay-at-home mom. Both desire to be “good” mothers, but like countless other mothers, they sometimes feel as if everyone is a better mother than them.

Daphne sees that laundry isn’t a late night chore, and that dinner menus are more imaginative, in Warda’s house. Warda has more time to make art with Sophie than Daphne does with Ana. Meanwhile, Warda feels a pang when she looks at her sister’s life, believing that Daphne has made the hard, but maybe better, decision to stick with a job that she didn’t love as much. Warda also feels some guilt that she is not contributing to the household income, so she compensates for that by cleaning, chauffeuring, and organizing the household.

“We have chosen different ways to ‘keep the family working,’” Daphne observes. “We’re both really fortunate that we have choices, but we both suffer from guilt for what we’re not doing for ourselves or for our family. One person can’t do it all.” Perhaps we can’t do it all, but aren’t some of us coming pretty damned close? Still, there is always that little voice telling us what we should be doing—that we should have a warm meal on the table, that we should contribute financially, that we should attend every school performance, and so on. Is it the ingrained sense of pragmatism that fogs our vision of ourselves as “good” mothers? Maybe we are better than we think at juggling everything.

In a conversation with Daphne on the balance of work, children, and art, she notes, “It’s never all three equal and constant.” An ideal image is of the three areas working in a circular motion, one taking the lead for a while as another refuels. Having faith in this organic rhythm might allow many of us to view our lives—and our motherhood—as more successful than we often do.

The connection between pragmatism and motherhood is complex and deeply rooted for Warda and Daphne. Their parents, Dutch Jews, survived the Holocaust as children when they were hidden in a church. After immigrating to the United States, they ran a small appliance store. Hardworking and resourceful is how Daphne describes them. But, she notes, they were not big on risk.

These two daughters, sisters, and mothers carry on their parents’ impulse towards pragmatism while also rebelling against it (think of a boat slamming daringly into a wave, and then steadily floating back into calmer water). Daphne suggests that neither of them has figured out how to balance children, work, and art at the same time, but she notes that “if you put us together, we’d be whole.”

But aren’t they already? Together, that is. I think so, and beautifully whole.