- First and most important, ya gotta believe in God and foller the Good Book as closely as ya can. Iffen ya don’t, then ya ain’t no redneck.
- Ya have to love yer dawgs, wife, or girlfriends more than grits, but not necessarily in that order.
- Ya call duct tape, duck tape, and use it daily and in unusual and ingenious ways. This is mandatory to qualify as a redneck.
- WD-40 is considered a God-sent and placed in a place of honor in your livin’ room, usually on the fireplace mantel, right below the mounted deer with horns. If ya don’t have a deer mount, ya can substitute a chicken or mouse mount. Do not place it on your wood stove, it does not like heat much, ask Bubba Lee ‘bout that.
- Ya borrow tools ya need and never buy ‘em. Why spend yer hard earn cash on foolishness, when yer neighbor will loan ya their lawnmower, trimmer, or rake? ‘Sides, it gives ya more beer money.
- Ya never return borrowed tools, unless yer neighbor comes to get them back. Remember, they might forget where the tool went.
- Yer family comes first in your life, right behind God. Heck, some of the best and hottest dates I had in high school came from family.
- Yer attitude ‘bout huntin’ dawg’s is, ya cain’t never have too many.
- Never fix a thing when asked, maybe she’ll forget she asked ya. Warnin’, this heah can be dangerous to yer health, especially if she has a big cast iron skillet like Melanie does.
- Ya always open a door for a woman, especially iffen she’s yer wife and has her hands filled with bags of groceries.
- Why buy something that’s broken, if ya can fix ‘er up like new with duck tape, super glue, of bailin’ wire? Iffen ya cain’t fix it, throw it out in the front yard.
- Ya think lava lamps are the best dog-gone thing ever invented and ya find ‘em sexually stim’latin’.
- Ya never, and I mean never, enter a kitchen when a woman is cookin’, ‘cause they mighten ask ya to he’p.
How to Identify a Redneck Man!
By: W. R. Benton (View Profile)
2 readers
liked this story.
more from W. R. Benton
Showing stories 1-3 of 10
view more ›
Comments
I loved the red neck story looking forward to reading more.
It feels good to write.
Your stories, musings, and advice are welcome here. We know you've got something to share, so jump in—maybe get a little famous. And don't worry—you can save a draft!
Other topics you might appreciate
Relationships
Travel
Style
Neighborhood & World
