Greetings and salutations* movie nerds from the all-nude-all-the-time New Century Theater (next to the El Sleazo Hotel on Larkin Street, San Francisco) where Poppa H is moonlighting as a stripper for the next two weeks on the cabaret’s sticky icky main stage. As for my stripper name, don’t ask but H stands for Hansel … ack. If the Ghost of Lee Strasberg could see me now he would never stop throwing up, but who gives a rat’s ass? This bohunk’s gotta earn some extra holiday dosh for the Christmas coffer, I got baby’s mommas to feed and I thought stripping would help my image as a gonzo screenwriter. I mean, it’s working like gangbusters for Diablo Cody, why not me?
I can hear you clucking, just like my parents. “I’m so disappointed” and so forth, “blasphemy” and so forth, “momma don’t approve” and so forth, but let me stop you right there. I know it’s the holidays and all but just think: what would that Home Alone fruit bat Macaulay Culkin do? Home Alone would save Christmas by ripping off his tear-away stretch pants and hitting the main stage (for the kids) so no Haterade (please) until you’ve seen my synchronized stripping routine. It’s a Little Bitta Country, Little Bitta Rock-n-Roll, but I think you’re going to be into it. Former crackhead Crystal Bottoms and I have been practicing all morning and we’re ready for our muthafuckin close-up. Hit it!
Two minutes later …
Hoo-ha!* That was not pretty in any language. The East German judge totally killed me on my dismount … * 2.4 my powdered fanny! And, what strange, gay force compelled us to choose “She’s Like the Wind” by Patrick Swayze? That song didn’t work. Fuck. I didn’t get any Christmas Cash, Hanukkah Change or Kwanzaa Coin from any of those Mary Kay Cosmetics women sitting in the front row and I let them squeeze the produce and then some … It’s a cruel glittery world. Needless to say, since Poppa Hansel appears to have pulled a ligament in his ass and Crystal stepped in some baby batter, I ain’t got no time, no time to wax poetic on the state of the movie industry. I got some shmeg on my hands to deal with, literally.
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